Charles Petzold

Deirdre and I drove to her home town of Utica, NY, yesterday; we'll be married here tomorrow morning.

The only real problem so far occurred during check-in at the hotel: The bozos at the Radisson didn't have our proper reservation; they also didn't seem to have the reservations of some of the guests who will be arriving later today; and we even began to wonder if they knew we'd be using their facilities to get married tomorrow.

But everything else is going smoothly, particularly considering that this event was conceived just two months ago. Most of the credit must go to Deirdre's organizational skills, acquired during her theatre years as a Stage Manager and her political years mounting large antiwar demonstrations in New York City and Washington D.C. It also helps to keep the wedding small and simple, as befits a couple whose combined age is over 100 (but just barely).

How can a wedding have a minimum of "Bridezilla" moments? Here's how we kept the "feature list" real low:

• A guest list of under 30 people.
• No wedding planner.
• No printed invitations (remember George Constanza's fiancée Susan?)
• No bachelor party.
• No bridal shower.
• No extravagant and expensive wedding dress.
• No veil.
• No rented tuxedoes.
• No rehearsal.
• No church.
• No big outdoor canopy.
• No shotguns.
• No rush.
• No ugly hysterical scenes.
• No maid of honor.
• No bridesmaids.
• No flower girls.
• No best man.
• No professional videographer/photographer.
• No mystery relatives nobody's seen in 10 years.
• No giving the bride away.
• Utilization of a pre-existing brunch buffet at the hotel.
• No Pachelbel, no Wagner, no Mendelssohn, no Billy Joel.
• No band.
• No DJ.
• No dancing.
• No open bar.
• No cocaine.
• No giant multi-layer cake with buttercream frosting and luscious interiors.
• No bouquet tossing.
• No limos.
• No gifts.
• No rice.
• No honeymoon plans.
• No psychosis.

Of course, the actual event is still about 25 hours away, so there's still plenty time for things to go oh, so terribly wrong.